Feast Day of the Little Rose

The year has come and gone so quickly. I look back at my calendar and wonder how I survived the whirlwind of events that have transpired. I look forward to the rest of the year and still so much has to be done. 

Today is October 1st: the feast day of my patron saint and the beginning of the month of the Holy rosary intersect. I attened the 7pm mass with nothing but extreme longing and desire in my heart- some I understood and others I have been trying to understand for the past few weeks. Regardless, I brought them all today at the foot of the cross as I walked up to receive the Holy Eucharist. I received Him joyfully knowing that Mother Mary and St. Therese were watching over me.

I walked towards the adoration chapel and knelt down.
I started to take in the quietness around me:
the gentleness that was on Mary's face;
the playfulness in baby Jesus/Sto. Nino;
the rays that extended down from the Divine Mercy;
the grandeur and simplicity of the Holy Eucharist, of Christ before me.

Then: Embraced with Mercy. Kissed with grace. Covered by love, with love, for his love.

“For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition & of love, embracing both trial and joy.”

- St. Therese of Lisieux

Names started to flash in my head along with faces. I stopped worrying over my own needs. I looked towards the poverty of His Spirit in the world and in the community. I prayed for the hearts of others. I prayed for the salvation of souls. I prayed for the conversion of fellow sinners.  I haven't prayed with so much passion in a long time. 

My life needs to reflect His greatness. To accept and embrace the hope He brings. To be that vessel of hope to others, a vessel that runs on love- love for Him and love for others. It means allowing everything about me to sing of that love. Even the broken parts of me. Especially the broken parts of me. 

I shall approach the rest of this year with continuous prayer and sacrifice. Like St. Therese I will find strength in these, and have them be my invincible arms. To hope that they move the hearts of others towards no one else but Christ. And like Mother Mary I will strive to shine like a moon, reflecting the burning passion of love- the Son. 


And just as it struck midnight, my counterpart handed me a gift- my very own Marian Devotions book. One tiny prayer answered, a simple joy given. And it's only been day 1.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; 

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

- Psalm138:8

I take you, as my beloved.

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy."

ㅡPsalm 145:8

On July 13, 2013 my parents renewed their wedding vows after twenty-five beautiful years. I really thought I prepared myself for the emotional roller coaster that hits most people at weddings, but...it just couldn't be helped. My mom walked down the aisle as the original Liveloud song "Gracious God" was being sung. It goes like this:

Gracious God, mighty one on high.

All powerful, Lord and Saviour of my life.

You are worthy to be praised. 

You are worthy to be praised.

Gracious God, You conquered darkness with light.

You've changed this wasteland to be my home, gave me life.

You are worthy to be praised. 

You are worthy to be praised.

Lord I lift my praise to you, for All that You are.

I surrender my life to You for all You've done for me (Lord)

I'll declare to the world how great You are

For You are my Gracious God.

-------

Unstoppable tears. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. It wasn't just  my father taking my mother's hand at the altar, it was God taking them into His arms. I didn't see two people, instead I saw three. As the vocalist sang, I could see two hearts jumping and dancing around each other. The song became a silent declaration magnified. 

My background in Education never fails to remind me of the horrific fact that the rate of successful marriages in Canada is 1 in 2. That means that my parents rose above the tragic statistic which says love is only worth 50% the fight. Imagine that. 

1 out of 2 couples end up in divorce. 

50% of marriages end. 

Yet, here they are very much alive and in love after 25 years. 

Wow. 

Both my parents are Marian devotees and that's probably why their marriage beat the odds. They not only asked God for guidance, they also asked His mother to intercede. Their marriage is rooted beyond emotions and feel good moments. It's rooted in something sacred, something eternal. Their marriage is blessed by and through God so of course everything that He is manifests in their relationship. He is boundless, endless and overflowing in love, mercy & grace, thus their marriage reflects just that!

As they both uttered the words that renewed their vows my whole being became so hyper sensitive to the presence of the Holy Spirit. I could feel the Sacred Heart (also the name of the church) coming alive before my eyes- the synchronization of three hearts beating as one, two lives so closely intertwined woven into the fabric of  His eternity. 

The transportation of Heaven on earth and earth on heaven.

The vows exchanged between man and woman are so sacred and so holy. It mirrors the vows that Jesus Christ sealed with His people through the Cross. God doesn't make promises, He makes covenants. He made a covenant with Moses, with Abraham, and the other prophets before us. Therefore, a wedding vow isn't just a promise, it's a covenant. An unbreakable, unshakable force. 

Then, I had a revelation. Something so blatantly obvious put under a brighter light, His light. I am a manifestation of that vow between my parents and God. The fruition of prayers and sacrifices, of Yes's and I do's. I am a product of faith, hope and love. 

My dear daughter, 

You are Precious. You are Divine. You are Mine. 

I can't doubt that. Not when I'm surrounded by two people who live that message so clearly every day of my life.

Oceans Deep

"I will not bring to the Lord that which costs me nothing."- 1 Chronicles 21:24 

When the most important people, places and things start getting taken away from you, then it is a sign that you are indeed getting closer to Christ. The more we anchor ourselves and our hearts toward God, the more we will be asked to give up the things we value in this world. Why? Because He is not of this world.  Christ took up His cross, so what makes us think that we are exempt from taking up our own?

I've had to let go of some pretty important things in my life; someone that used to bring me emotional and mental security, and a job that secured my future financially. However it is only through this "cleansing" that God has become my one and only source of hope, truth and light. The less grip I have on worldly things, the wider my hands are spread out- the best position for Him to fill it with his love and mercy. The less I carry with me in my heart, the quicker I can get to where He is.

Ever since I've rediscovered God a year and a half ago, I've asked him to show me how to trust Him with every part of me and with every fibre of my being. Be careful of what you ask for because He will answer you in the firmest way possible. Firm but personal.

As of Thursday, June 27 at 4:31pm I will be unemployed. I've been asked to resign due to x, y, and z reasons. I thought I'd have some pretty violent emotional reactions, but to my surprise I feel peace. He is taking away something that means a lot to me. That could only mean that God is asking me to move forward- forward towards something greater. Warning:No baggage policy. The art of detachment being practiced in the most practical way.

The Lord never takes something without replacing it. 

So instead of jumping back into the boat, I will dive. I will dive deeper into the waters. If I will drown, it'll be from his love. If I'll choke it'll be from His relentless giving of compassion and forgiveness. If I lose my breath it'll be from the beautiful unveiling of His plans for me. I am in the here and now. I am exactly where I am meant to be. If I am securely anchored in Christ, I can rest in the knowledge that His Holy Spirit will guide me to the next leg of my spiritual journey.

Being unemployed puts me in a deeper state of spiritual hunger.  Right now He's telling me to focus on the Archdiocese of Toronto and see the opportunities that exist there; this is mission beyond the comforts of my CFC-Youth community. Why not cast the net there? I have nothing to lose.

God sows seeds. If we clear out the clutter in our hearts and minds He will show us exactly where we can reap a fruitful harvest. This is His vineyard. Not ours. Anything and everything we collect belongs to Him.



Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
To God be the greater glory.

Pruning a tree

Do you know why trees get pruned?
Promise, there's a point to this. So hear me out....

Trees get pruned to...

• remove dead, damaged and diseased branches to help prevent insect & decay organisms from entering the tree.

• Remove co-dominant leaders. Co-dominant leaders are 2 branches growing near the top of a tree that grow straight up and become equally dominant. Cutting off one allows the other branch to grow & become the dominant branch. 

• stimulate growth in sparse areas of the tree.

For about a decade and a half I allowed a particular branch in my life to grow wildly and out of control. It was an area of my life that I thought could be maintained with my patience and love. So for a very long time I poured everything into that one branch. It was damaged and diseased, but I never lost hope. Slowly that one branch sucked out all the goodness that could have gone to other areas of my life.

Pruning does wound the tree. Trees don't actually ‘heal’ their wounds. A branch that has been cut off is permanently gone and nothing else grows there. What does happen is that the tree "seals" its wounds. Over time the tree creates some sort of callus around the wound and covers the initial cut. Inside the tree, some chemical boundary is formed around the wounded area which compartmentalizes it. This prevents decay. 

By the time I noticed how toxic that branch was, it was already sensitive and close to dying. It was the first branch of many and many good things came from it. If I tended to it, wouldn't it eventually just get better? "Eventually" became one year, then another, then another. Fourteen years later I was left with nothing but a tree that had stopped growing properly because the diseased branch was taking up too much. The issue wasn't about whether or not something should be done or what. It was when. I never had enough courage to place both feet firmly planted on the ground. Many times over I made the decision to just let it go, but I never could. 

I finally allowed God to be the one to prune me so it could be done properly. It hurt to have Him do it, and it still stings a lot. The cut was sharp, quick and final. I knew that nothing would ever grow there again which is probably why I held off of it for so long. It's unfortunate that I didn't let God have full control until things really started dying, but how else could a stubborn person like me learn? That branch might have been important in the beginning, but I realized how I had to start growing again. I need to grow. 

Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, not can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them. -Matthew 7:17-20

To be honest, I don't know where God is leading me. However, I can be secure in the knowledge that regardless of the place, my feet are facing forward. Everything that has happened to me in the past two years have contained nothing but blessings upon blessings. The Lord has been outpouring His love for me in so many ways and that was while I carried the decaying branch. How much more growth can happen now that I've cut if off?

I'm trying to ask Mama Mary to show me how to be patient. I've been asking her to help me trust in Her Son the same way she did; to obey & to witness. She's had a very strong presence in my life the past two weeks and I can honestly say that this is the first time in twenty-four years I've really acknowledged her. She's done nothing but console me during this most vulnerable time of my life.

I've been allowing myself to be sensitive to the Spirit this past week and this is the message that kept coming up: Yes, healing hurts, but it doesn't have to be torturous. God's timing is so perfect and even throughout this whole ordeal He's allowed me to enjoy the process. He's allowed me to see far greater things than what I was accustomed to. I'm not at my best but my heart is confident because I have a future full of hope.

Lord, thank you for pruning that branch off for me. Now I can truly continue to BLOOM where you have planted me.

Words.

The rising and the falling,

the floating and the sinking,
of these carefully calculated and assembled letters called words.
An exchange; given and received.
It fills up the room seeping into every corner and crevice.

Words,
How easily you allow them to escape from you
The sweet melody and soft harmonies fall lightly like dewdrops
The heat lingers on my skin
Each syllable embracing my body and I feel its warmth.

Words,
How they fill the distance between us
Building bridges and passages,
A private highway from your mouth to my heart
Removing oceans, evaporating seas
And all you have to do is simply
...Speak.
I am filled to the brim, ripping at the seams because of you and your...

Words,
Hungry I ate, Thirsty I drank
Consuming every promise, every apology,
every declaration and excuse.
Every thought and idea you planted in my mind like seeds-
watered by my love and my every affection shone like the sun.
Your words grew,
They grew and they sprouted. They sprouted but never blossomed.
And I ask myself, Why?

Words,
The staleness in the air: recycled, reused, remastered.
They lie there cold, flat, and unmoving.
And I try to breathe life back into them
energies transferred, draining me without a moment’s notice.
Breathe.

How could I have survived on nothing but, words?
When yours came fat free with no sugar,
low on truth and half the respect
My reflection looking back- Thin. Frail. Fragile.
All because I fed on nothing but,
Words.
They come at no expense for you,
but they charge double to me-
investments high at the interest of my heart.
Sorry, no return policy. But, delivery? Sure that’s free.
No warning given, transactions are final.

Words,
While yours float like air, mine sink like gravity
Carrying the weight of the ache in my chest,
the pain in my eyes,
the struggle in my lungs.
Bringing us back down to reality:
That all you ever give me are words.
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters
different combinations serving some sort of purpose;
Your happiness not mine.
I hear it, and the notes are flat. The chords are sharp.

The deafening noise of silence that exists from Point you to point me.

Now these....
These are words, but they are mine,

Though your satisfaction I cannot guarantee.

Words.
Mine may not build bridges and pathways, roads or tall towers,
But they uncover the dirt and rough surfaces-
The mess. The cracks. Imbalanced.
Imperfect but home grown and organic.
No frills, No cheap thrills.
       

You say what we are is priceless, but you just measured us in words
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters, put together to sound better.

I have no need for words, for they limit and constrict
That which exists.....deep within me.

So I'll remain silent and timorous. Giving you back what's due. 

The Bare. The Bold. That which is anchored in truth:
That I am worth more than your words.

Desert, demons, decisions.

Sometimes our mind builds us up, sometimes it breaks us down. We are our own worst critic.

Let us not forget this Lenten season that our love story with the Lord is broken in two parts: The first part requires us to carry our crosses. It means going through a desert experience of sorts and coming face to face with our own personal demons- whatever they may be. This time in our life may cause us to feel as though we are inadequate, we are incomplete, we are lacking, we are nothing. Our burdens feel twice the size and we feel defeated. The pain somehow seeps into every crevice of our heart and infects the part of us that held hope.

But it's not the end. Like I said, our love story with the Lord has two parts. The second part is the one that really matters. It's the part we tend to overlook. That is the victory of Christ's love and mercy, the victory that claims eternal happiness, the victory that brings us freedom.

So to all of those people who may be feeling a little dry and thirsty, to those who are going through desert experiences....open your eyes and your heart. If there are certain things or people he has taken away from you, it just means that He's made space in your life...space that you can decide to fill in with God. He's doing the spring cleaning for you by removing those which may be a hinderance to you.

Maybe you'll eventually realize that the enormous desert you felt was swallowing you whole, is nothing but a small sandbox after all. Allow Christ to enter your life, lift the veil of deceit from your eyes and help you walk out into the oasis of beauty He has prepared for you.

AMDG.

Lord, that I may never lose sight of you and the victory that you have claimed for me. Help me to see beyond my own hurts and pains so that I can be a blessing to others, rather than a burden to my own self. Help me to overcome my mind so that I can be free to just receive the mercies that You give me day in and day out. Amen.

Danger Zone

This.

If there is anything I am guilty of once, twice, three times over...it's this. I love to stay underwater. I love to sit there chained and shackled to the bottom of the ocean floor. I know this much about myself. It's a habit I've been struggling with and it's something I'm still working on. I will hold my breath until I feel that I've turned over every rock and crevice. I won't stop until I understand where things went wrong.

I care too much, that much can be said. I will bend forwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, into a pretzel- I will pretty much do whatever I can for the people in my life. I do it because I care for them. I do it because I believe that they deserve nothing short of my best. But, if the time ever comes that I need help or support and they don't deliver the same kind of attention to me...I get offended. Why is it that some people find it hard to do even the bare minimum- to give me the respect or the understanding that's due? 

Lesson learned:

“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations” 

-Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes 

I can't change people. I can't change how they are, or control what they do. If I keep finding fault in others, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm just going to be angry- All. The. Time. I did the whole 'angry' thing for weeks on end, and it all did was consume me. It engulfed me and affected every area of my life. That is until one day, while meditating on the cross I came across this passage in my mind:

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, 

and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me;

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

-Matthew 11: 28-30

A question a priest asked me the other day: 

What do you get when you put d in front of anger?

It was the reality check I needed, the water bucket I got thrown at my face to revive me. It made me see how much destruction and despair I was putting myself through because I couldn't move forward. I allowed my anger to obscure my vision- instead of seeing the greatness that God had placed in my life ahead of me I focused on the pylons by my feet. All I needed to do was walk around them; after all they were nothing but pylons! I can't change what people do or what they say, but I can alter my attitude towards those things. I can adjust myself accordingly. That's it. By letting go, I'm finally allowing myself to float above the waters. 

My prayer.... 

Lord, allow me to focus on the love that you graciously give me everyday. Help me to get past my anger, my resentment, my stubborn behaviour which stem from my pride. Humble me so that I can forgive those who have hurt me. I pray for their hearts, that they too may learn to see the truth and not be driven by their emotions as well. Bless all the relationships in my life, especially the ones I hold closest to my heart. Allow healing to enter our relationship and mend what was, what is, what may be broken. Open up our eyes to the things that our emotions may cloud us from. Give us the courage to confront the hurts and pains and the wisdom to know the right thing to do. I pray that I learn to anchor myself in no one else but You, for you are the rock in which all goodness comes from. Amen.

"I know now that true charity consists in bearing all our neighbors' defects--not being surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest virtues."