Beauty to Unveil

One of the things that I absolutely hate dislike is being "read". It annoys me. When people do it, I feel threatened, and that is a feeling I'm not accustomed to handling. I hate it when people start reading me because I feel like they are unlocking a door that was supposed to remain closed. Forever. They see behind the picture I have expertly crafted over the years, one that is true enough to who I am but not so much that all of me is exposed. Does that make sense?

There is so much about myself that I always felt needed to be hidden. So much about myself that I felt wasn't beautiful enough. I have spent the past thirteen years experimenting with what parts of me were "socially acceptable" enough to expose. Being bullied during my childhood (when I moved from the Philippines to Toronto) left me so emotionally scarred that I thought it was necessary to cover up who I really was. I promised myself that I would never be so vulnerable.

Being vulnerable was ugly. 

Being vulnerable was undesirable. 

I was vulnerable. 


THEREFORE...
Being "me" would not make me beautiful. 

It would not make me desirable to others.

I had to silence the essence of being "me". 

I studied the other girls. What they did seemed to work. They all seemed to fit that "beautiful" category. If I did it long enough, I would be successful...eventually. These are the scars that I carry in my heart. The ones that I learned to cover up with fancier clothes and with $140 worth of make up. These were the scars that I thought could be patched up with rocky relationships and temporary flings. Sure these men wouldn't last in my life, but hey at least for x amount of weeks I felt accepted.

So there it was, thirteen years of pain, thirteen years of hiding. So when someone saw through all of it, it really really bothered me. Who did this person think he/she was? Who gave them permission to break down my security system and see through me as if I hid behind glass rather than solid iron-clad walls?

Now more than ever the Lord has been telling me otherwise. 

"When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I and will I continue to be romanced?. When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. 

Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. When a (woman) is at rest with (the knowledge that she is romanced and that she is loved) we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to life. 

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts."

Well Lord, that's kind of scary. Doesn't that mean that I have to stop hiding? Doesn't this mean that I have to actually risk putting myself, my real self out there? Wait, first of all do I even have any sort of beauty to offer? And even if I do find this "beauty" within me, am I not putting myself at risk of getting hurt? Of getting rejected? You're asking me to be vulnerable and vulnerable is what I swore I'd never do—  These are the kinds of questions that filled up my mind day after day. 

His response? Well my friends, to say it's been overwhelming is an understatement. He has affirmed me in ways I could not even have imagined myself. He continues to reveal to me that I am indeed worthy to be loved, and that I am worthy of being romanced by Him. He has taken me to places that have left me speechless. He has given me experiences that are priceless and irreplaceable. Through this, he was showing me that I was worth it. Learning to unveil my beauty would be challenging, but it would also be one of the greatest ways for me to express my faith in Him.

It would require me to trust Him, trust that He has indeed placed in me some sort of beauty to offer to the world.

"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.  

Unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beuty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. 

So to this I say: Thank you Lord for allowing that person to see through me. For allowing that person to do more than just see the me I created for the world, but to also understand that behind that was an actual human being. Thank you for allowing me to slowly peel the layers I so comfortably knew to hide behind. I am not perfect because of my past or because of my sinful ways, but through you I can find the strength needed to unveil the beauty that lay dormant for so many years. 

In the knowledge that I am loved, that I am romanced and that I have beauty to unveil I want to be more like you. So that I too can offer, can invite and be present.

...THIS is how I will love.

You will be Captivating to those who are Wild at Heart

Message to all the guys out there: Do you know how many times I've had to confront a guy about their intentions and all I got was a "you shouldn't have assumed in the first place..." THIS is not a valid enough reason to get away with it. Be responsible. PLEASE. If you are NOT planning on courting her or pursuing her, watch your words. More importantly WATCH YOUR ACTIONS. Think twice about what you do/say around a girl. Treat her like a sister. That way, she doesn't end up thinking you mean something else. If you don't make it clear to us ladies what your real motive is then you can be sure that we'll end up assuming. If we're not hearing it from you then you know who we'll hear it from? Our girlfriends. That usually doesn't help..because we don't know any better. If you put it out there, then at least we know it's strictly platonic. We really shouldn't have to question what you mean. If you're a decent guy then your actions will be consistent with your motives.

Message to all the girls out there: If you are ANYTHING like me... stop overthinking! Stop overreacting. Stop assuming. Don't take his caring words and promises too seriously. Don't be drawn in by his charm. Don't think he's all about to get up on it. If he hasn't said anything then DON'T think anything more of it. In short, just try to think of your heart and salvage as much of it as possible by NOT getting caught up so easily.

You know what our worst habit is? Talking to each other about a guy situation and egging each other on about the "feel good" vibes. We live for those "fluffy heart-to-heart" moments. We DIE for those coffee dates where we can just share our latest fling because we know we're going to get a "YOU GO GIRL, DO YOUR THANG!!" kind of reply. Nothing is wrong with being supportive as long as we remind eachother to be cautious. I know it can kill the mood sometimes, but we have GOT to do this more for eachother. Help a sister out by allowing her to see the situation for what it is instead of adding frills and flowers that come with our advice column conversations. OH YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! 

Nothing blinds us more than a guy whose charm has engulfed our being. This is where we really need to stick it out.

#claimingWinnipeg

"Ask, and it will be given to you; 

seek, and you will find; 

knock, and it will be opened to you."

- Matthew 7:7

A few months ago I started my own hashtag on twitter. For those who don't know, the YFC national conference for Canada this year is going to be at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg. After attending the International Leaders Conference in Aklan, I got to meet and know three new Canadians on the #teamtruenorth team. Indeed it was a blessing that I would slowly get to know and establish meaningful relationships with each one of them. For me it felt empowering to have my little Canadian team because I could always look to them for moral support once I flew back home. 


We witnessed God's love together throughout conference. This opportunity allowed us to experience the Almighty as a united group, but by the end of it we would all have our own personal testimonies to share in our own areas. We were only four out of 6000 but the grace, love & mercy of God showed us was enough to set off small "lights"; Canada has been struggling and these stories NEED to be heard.


I remember crying bawling at the airport because it hit me...this may very well be the last time I see them for a very, very, very long time. Annie, CJ, and Tim all live on the West coast while I, the lone wolf, live in the East.

If we were ever to reunite, the best place was conference.

At that time it seemed so impossible for me to attend. I couldn't look past the fact that in order for me to attend I would have to magically find a LOT of free money because I've been here in the Philippines for 5 months (...and counting) with NO job. How the heck was I going to get there? Regardless of my doubts, I still remembered to sneak in #claimingWinnipeg in my prayers.

----

Last month I was asked to attend the Provincial Youth Conference in Tuburan, Cebu. That seemed impossible because I didn't have the financial means to buy a ticket, yet my prayers were answered within less a week. Then I was asked to stay for SHOUT and that seemed unlikely because rebooking my flight meant having to dish out more cash, yet I ended up participating (and having the time of my life).

If the Lord was able to provide for these two small events, why was it so hard for me to believe that He would also be able to provide for me back on home turf? 

So what started out as a semi-joke/hopeful thinking turned into a "power" petition. I kept telling myself that Winnipeg was mine to claim. Winnipeg was a victory He had already won for me. 

...AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

Two days ago that prayer was answered. 

Our small "lights" can now unite as one. Together we will help to IGNITE THE FIRE which Canada needs badly right now. The fire that stirs in each one of our hearts will burn bright. So not only do I get to go, but my whole family will be there to witness the whole event as well.

Brothers and sisters, do not ever THINK that anything is bigger than our God. This whole trip, this whole mission of mine has been a testimony that God is the ONLY one who can provide for you. He will give you everything you deserve and more.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...
is say 'Yes'.


It's such a simple act, yet so many of us find it hard to do. 
Sacrificing something dear to you only means that there are even greater opportunities to receive something even better. It is with that promise that you should believe in His ability to grant you your heart's desire(s). 

I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.

If you were placed in a situation where someone asked you to jump off a ledge with no safety harness or protective gear, would you?

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am the meticulous, analytical, overly cautious type of person. I do not take risks unless all relevant factors and/or consequences have been examined- twice. I thrive in security. I thrive in knowing that I have control in a situation. This is so apparent in even the smallest of things: I colour coordinate my laundry, I use at least four different coloured pens when writing notes, I never bend the pages of my book, I bring a suitcase for a weekender. These are my "simple joys", the things I can do to bring more "order" in my life.

With all the things that the Lord has provided me during the past few months I feel so underserving. Who am I that He makes me feel important? Who am I that He choose me out all the other active YFC members in the community to go on mission? Why did he choose to stir my heart when I had given up so many years earlier?

Now I know why- because my conviction is much stronger. It is within the extreme experiences where my declaration finds its anchor in the Lord. I am one of the extremely favoured. He has chosen me knowing full well both my strengths and my weaknesses.

Cebu holds a special place in my heart. It is here in Kusugbo* that the Lord has decided to groom me for my purpose, a purpose that he has been consistently asking me to claim. It is within this place that He has revealed himself to me. This is where he has revealed to me the greatest desire in my heart. In the last two months I have denied myself of that purpose. I allowed myself to drown out the vision in my mission because I wanted to avoid it. Is this really what the Lord has been calling me for?

My biggest fear was that my YES would mean giving up many things that I highly valued and that were close to my heart. It is through my prayers that the Lord has told me: My child, your heart will continue to be restless until it rests in Me your God. Let go of the fears and anxiety you have in your heart because it is only I who can give you the peace of mind you have been desiring all your life. Do you think that I will abandon you if you chose to devote your life to me? No! Of course not. See how abundant the blessings in your life are with every step closer you take towards me? You are my beloved. I will not forsake you. Your life will be simple but you will discover and become exactly who you are meant to be. This is my purpose for you. Nothing else will satisfy this thirst.

It is only in my nothingness where the Lord can become my everything.

I alone know the plans that I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future that you hope for. Then you will call to me. You will come and pray to me and I will answer you. You will seek me and you will find me because you will seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13,
The Verse of my Life.

*Kusugbo= Kusug (strong) 
                 Sugbo (Cebu)