Beauty to Unveil

One of the things that I absolutely hate dislike is being "read". It annoys me. When people do it, I feel threatened, and that is a feeling I'm not accustomed to handling. I hate it when people start reading me because I feel like they are unlocking a door that was supposed to remain closed. Forever. They see behind the picture I have expertly crafted over the years, one that is true enough to who I am but not so much that all of me is exposed. Does that make sense?

There is so much about myself that I always felt needed to be hidden. So much about myself that I felt wasn't beautiful enough. I have spent the past thirteen years experimenting with what parts of me were "socially acceptable" enough to expose. Being bullied during my childhood (when I moved from the Philippines to Toronto) left me so emotionally scarred that I thought it was necessary to cover up who I really was. I promised myself that I would never be so vulnerable.

Being vulnerable was ugly. 

Being vulnerable was undesirable. 

I was vulnerable. 


THEREFORE...
Being "me" would not make me beautiful. 

It would not make me desirable to others.

I had to silence the essence of being "me". 

I studied the other girls. What they did seemed to work. They all seemed to fit that "beautiful" category. If I did it long enough, I would be successful...eventually. These are the scars that I carry in my heart. The ones that I learned to cover up with fancier clothes and with $140 worth of make up. These were the scars that I thought could be patched up with rocky relationships and temporary flings. Sure these men wouldn't last in my life, but hey at least for x amount of weeks I felt accepted.

So there it was, thirteen years of pain, thirteen years of hiding. So when someone saw through all of it, it really really bothered me. Who did this person think he/she was? Who gave them permission to break down my security system and see through me as if I hid behind glass rather than solid iron-clad walls?

Now more than ever the Lord has been telling me otherwise. 

"When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I and will I continue to be romanced?. When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. 

Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. When a (woman) is at rest with (the knowledge that she is romanced and that she is loved) we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to life. 

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts."

Well Lord, that's kind of scary. Doesn't that mean that I have to stop hiding? Doesn't this mean that I have to actually risk putting myself, my real self out there? Wait, first of all do I even have any sort of beauty to offer? And even if I do find this "beauty" within me, am I not putting myself at risk of getting hurt? Of getting rejected? You're asking me to be vulnerable and vulnerable is what I swore I'd never do—  These are the kinds of questions that filled up my mind day after day. 

His response? Well my friends, to say it's been overwhelming is an understatement. He has affirmed me in ways I could not even have imagined myself. He continues to reveal to me that I am indeed worthy to be loved, and that I am worthy of being romanced by Him. He has taken me to places that have left me speechless. He has given me experiences that are priceless and irreplaceable. Through this, he was showing me that I was worth it. Learning to unveil my beauty would be challenging, but it would also be one of the greatest ways for me to express my faith in Him.

It would require me to trust Him, trust that He has indeed placed in me some sort of beauty to offer to the world.

"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.  

Unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beuty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. 

So to this I say: Thank you Lord for allowing that person to see through me. For allowing that person to do more than just see the me I created for the world, but to also understand that behind that was an actual human being. Thank you for allowing me to slowly peel the layers I so comfortably knew to hide behind. I am not perfect because of my past or because of my sinful ways, but through you I can find the strength needed to unveil the beauty that lay dormant for so many years. 

In the knowledge that I am loved, that I am romanced and that I have beauty to unveil I want to be more like you. So that I too can offer, can invite and be present.

...THIS is how I will love.