This.
If there is anything I am guilty of once, twice, three times over...it's this. I love to stay underwater. I love to sit there chained and shackled to the bottom of the ocean floor. I know this much about myself. It's a habit I've been struggling with and it's something I'm still working on. I will hold my breath until I feel that I've turned over every rock and crevice. I won't stop until I understand where things went wrong.
I care too much, that much can be said. I will bend forwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, into a pretzel- I will pretty much do whatever I can for the people in my life. I do it because I care for them. I do it because I believe that they deserve nothing short of my best. But, if the time ever comes that I need help or support and they don't deliver the same kind of attention to me...I get offended. Why is it that some people find it hard to do even the bare minimum- to give me the respect or the understanding that's due?
Lesson learned:
“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations”
-Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
I can't change people. I can't change how they are, or control what they do. If I keep finding fault in others, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm just going to be angry- All. The. Time. I did the whole 'angry' thing for weeks on end, and it all did was consume me. It engulfed me and affected every area of my life. That is until one day, while meditating on the cross I came across this passage in my mind:
Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me;
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
-Matthew 11: 28-30
A question a priest asked me the other day:
What do you get when you put d in front of anger?
It was the reality check I needed, the water bucket I got thrown at my face to revive me. It made me see how much destruction and despair I was putting myself through because I couldn't move forward. I allowed my anger to obscure my vision- instead of seeing the greatness that God had placed in my life ahead of me I focused on the pylons by my feet. All I needed to do was walk around them; after all they were nothing but pylons! I can't change what people do or what they say, but I can alter my attitude towards those things. I can adjust myself accordingly. That's it. By letting go, I'm finally allowing myself to float above the waters.
My prayer....
Lord, allow me to focus on the love that you graciously give me everyday. Help me to get past my anger, my resentment, my stubborn behaviour which stem from my pride. Humble me so that I can forgive those who have hurt me. I pray for their hearts, that they too may learn to see the truth and not be driven by their emotions as well. Bless all the relationships in my life, especially the ones I hold closest to my heart. Allow healing to enter our relationship and mend what was, what is, what may be broken. Open up our eyes to the things that our emotions may cloud us from. Give us the courage to confront the hurts and pains and the wisdom to know the right thing to do. I pray that I learn to anchor myself in no one else but You, for you are the rock in which all goodness comes from. Amen.
"I know now that true charity consists in bearing all our neighbors' defects--not being surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest virtues."
