Words.

The rising and the falling,

the floating and the sinking,
of these carefully calculated and assembled letters called words.
An exchange; given and received.
It fills up the room seeping into every corner and crevice.

Words,
How easily you allow them to escape from you
The sweet melody and soft harmonies fall lightly like dewdrops
The heat lingers on my skin
Each syllable embracing my body and I feel its warmth.

Words,
How they fill the distance between us
Building bridges and passages,
A private highway from your mouth to my heart
Removing oceans, evaporating seas
And all you have to do is simply
...Speak.
I am filled to the brim, ripping at the seams because of you and your...

Words,
Hungry I ate, Thirsty I drank
Consuming every promise, every apology,
every declaration and excuse.
Every thought and idea you planted in my mind like seeds-
watered by my love and my every affection shone like the sun.
Your words grew,
They grew and they sprouted. They sprouted but never blossomed.
And I ask myself, Why?

Words,
The staleness in the air: recycled, reused, remastered.
They lie there cold, flat, and unmoving.
And I try to breathe life back into them
energies transferred, draining me without a moment’s notice.
Breathe.

How could I have survived on nothing but, words?
When yours came fat free with no sugar,
low on truth and half the respect
My reflection looking back- Thin. Frail. Fragile.
All because I fed on nothing but,
Words.
They come at no expense for you,
but they charge double to me-
investments high at the interest of my heart.
Sorry, no return policy. But, delivery? Sure that’s free.
No warning given, transactions are final.

Words,
While yours float like air, mine sink like gravity
Carrying the weight of the ache in my chest,
the pain in my eyes,
the struggle in my lungs.
Bringing us back down to reality:
That all you ever give me are words.
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters
different combinations serving some sort of purpose;
Your happiness not mine.
I hear it, and the notes are flat. The chords are sharp.

The deafening noise of silence that exists from Point you to point me.

Now these....
These are words, but they are mine,

Though your satisfaction I cannot guarantee.

Words.
Mine may not build bridges and pathways, roads or tall towers,
But they uncover the dirt and rough surfaces-
The mess. The cracks. Imbalanced.
Imperfect but home grown and organic.
No frills, No cheap thrills.
       

You say what we are is priceless, but you just measured us in words
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters, put together to sound better.

I have no need for words, for they limit and constrict
That which exists.....deep within me.

So I'll remain silent and timorous. Giving you back what's due. 

The Bare. The Bold. That which is anchored in truth:
That I am worth more than your words.

Danger Zone

This.

If there is anything I am guilty of once, twice, three times over...it's this. I love to stay underwater. I love to sit there chained and shackled to the bottom of the ocean floor. I know this much about myself. It's a habit I've been struggling with and it's something I'm still working on. I will hold my breath until I feel that I've turned over every rock and crevice. I won't stop until I understand where things went wrong.

I care too much, that much can be said. I will bend forwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, into a pretzel- I will pretty much do whatever I can for the people in my life. I do it because I care for them. I do it because I believe that they deserve nothing short of my best. But, if the time ever comes that I need help or support and they don't deliver the same kind of attention to me...I get offended. Why is it that some people find it hard to do even the bare minimum- to give me the respect or the understanding that's due? 

Lesson learned:

“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations” 

-Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes 

I can't change people. I can't change how they are, or control what they do. If I keep finding fault in others, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm just going to be angry- All. The. Time. I did the whole 'angry' thing for weeks on end, and it all did was consume me. It engulfed me and affected every area of my life. That is until one day, while meditating on the cross I came across this passage in my mind:

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, 

and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me;

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

-Matthew 11: 28-30

A question a priest asked me the other day: 

What do you get when you put d in front of anger?

It was the reality check I needed, the water bucket I got thrown at my face to revive me. It made me see how much destruction and despair I was putting myself through because I couldn't move forward. I allowed my anger to obscure my vision- instead of seeing the greatness that God had placed in my life ahead of me I focused on the pylons by my feet. All I needed to do was walk around them; after all they were nothing but pylons! I can't change what people do or what they say, but I can alter my attitude towards those things. I can adjust myself accordingly. That's it. By letting go, I'm finally allowing myself to float above the waters. 

My prayer.... 

Lord, allow me to focus on the love that you graciously give me everyday. Help me to get past my anger, my resentment, my stubborn behaviour which stem from my pride. Humble me so that I can forgive those who have hurt me. I pray for their hearts, that they too may learn to see the truth and not be driven by their emotions as well. Bless all the relationships in my life, especially the ones I hold closest to my heart. Allow healing to enter our relationship and mend what was, what is, what may be broken. Open up our eyes to the things that our emotions may cloud us from. Give us the courage to confront the hurts and pains and the wisdom to know the right thing to do. I pray that I learn to anchor myself in no one else but You, for you are the rock in which all goodness comes from. Amen.

"I know now that true charity consists in bearing all our neighbors' defects--not being surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest virtues."

Let Me Take Care

"LET ME TAKE CARE."

This was the last message that resonated so strongly in my heart this past weekend. In less than 12 hours of being back home (on a more permanent basis), the Lord blessed me with an offer for a Full time job. Not only will this job enhance my experience in the program I actually graduated in, it will also allow me to serve fully for my service area here in CFC Youth GTA.

In the past 8 months, I have traveled to 15+ cities in the Philippines, to 4 different states in the U.S. and 3 provinces here in Canada. Within that time I have also attended 4 conferences, 3 which were on a national scale. I served in 2 and participated in 2. This journey began on January 9 with zero plans and a very dried up bank account.

The one line that kept me going: Trust in Me.
The one verse that gave me hope: Jeremiah 29:11.

It was always on the back of my mind that my mission trip would come to an end eventually and that I would have to face reality. After speaking to many of my colleagues in ECE, I knew that the field was saturated. I knew that there may be a possibility that I would be unemployed for a while, or that I may have to settle for a retail job.

But 2.5hrs ago, I was just offered a full time position at a daycare for the sr. preschool classroom at a bilingual centre. I will only be working Mon-Fri which means I will never have to miss out on my household meetings, any assemblies or mission trips during the weekend.

A friend of mine messaged me literally right after the Singles for Christ Conference on Sunday. The position opened up and they needed someone to fill it in ASAP. I start on Tuesday.

WOW.

Our Yes is our personal treasure. It may seem insignificant but it's one of our most powerful possessions, because our yes stems from our choice. No one can force us to give it away, especially not our God.  It is our yes that opens up the door to his infinite amount of blessings. We think WE know best what our needs are, but these standards are based only on what we have seen in our life. Allow the Lord to widen that range of view by giving Him permission to conquer Your life.

It is in your trust that the Lord will reveal not only good things, but GREATER things. I am not lucky. I am BLESSED, because my God has chosen to use me as a beacon of hope to others. Believe that if you give yourself fully to the Lord and surrender your own plans, that He will NOT abandon you. I am no one special- I am not any more loved by the Lord than you are. So do not think that you are exempt from his Promises.

Discovering the Lord is an adventure, and probably the only one that guarantees a happy ending. So give Jesus the wheel, and like me...you may find yourself reaching destinations that you would have never thought possible.

Claim His will and claim His victory in your life.

Beauty to Unveil

One of the things that I absolutely hate dislike is being "read". It annoys me. When people do it, I feel threatened, and that is a feeling I'm not accustomed to handling. I hate it when people start reading me because I feel like they are unlocking a door that was supposed to remain closed. Forever. They see behind the picture I have expertly crafted over the years, one that is true enough to who I am but not so much that all of me is exposed. Does that make sense?

There is so much about myself that I always felt needed to be hidden. So much about myself that I felt wasn't beautiful enough. I have spent the past thirteen years experimenting with what parts of me were "socially acceptable" enough to expose. Being bullied during my childhood (when I moved from the Philippines to Toronto) left me so emotionally scarred that I thought it was necessary to cover up who I really was. I promised myself that I would never be so vulnerable.

Being vulnerable was ugly. 

Being vulnerable was undesirable. 

I was vulnerable. 


THEREFORE...
Being "me" would not make me beautiful. 

It would not make me desirable to others.

I had to silence the essence of being "me". 

I studied the other girls. What they did seemed to work. They all seemed to fit that "beautiful" category. If I did it long enough, I would be successful...eventually. These are the scars that I carry in my heart. The ones that I learned to cover up with fancier clothes and with $140 worth of make up. These were the scars that I thought could be patched up with rocky relationships and temporary flings. Sure these men wouldn't last in my life, but hey at least for x amount of weeks I felt accepted.

So there it was, thirteen years of pain, thirteen years of hiding. So when someone saw through all of it, it really really bothered me. Who did this person think he/she was? Who gave them permission to break down my security system and see through me as if I hid behind glass rather than solid iron-clad walls?

Now more than ever the Lord has been telling me otherwise. 

"When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I and will I continue to be romanced?. When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. 

Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. When a (woman) is at rest with (the knowledge that she is romanced and that she is loved) we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to life. 

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts."

Well Lord, that's kind of scary. Doesn't that mean that I have to stop hiding? Doesn't this mean that I have to actually risk putting myself, my real self out there? Wait, first of all do I even have any sort of beauty to offer? And even if I do find this "beauty" within me, am I not putting myself at risk of getting hurt? Of getting rejected? You're asking me to be vulnerable and vulnerable is what I swore I'd never do—  These are the kinds of questions that filled up my mind day after day. 

His response? Well my friends, to say it's been overwhelming is an understatement. He has affirmed me in ways I could not even have imagined myself. He continues to reveal to me that I am indeed worthy to be loved, and that I am worthy of being romanced by Him. He has taken me to places that have left me speechless. He has given me experiences that are priceless and irreplaceable. Through this, he was showing me that I was worth it. Learning to unveil my beauty would be challenging, but it would also be one of the greatest ways for me to express my faith in Him.

It would require me to trust Him, trust that He has indeed placed in me some sort of beauty to offer to the world.

"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.  

Unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beuty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. 

So to this I say: Thank you Lord for allowing that person to see through me. For allowing that person to do more than just see the me I created for the world, but to also understand that behind that was an actual human being. Thank you for allowing me to slowly peel the layers I so comfortably knew to hide behind. I am not perfect because of my past or because of my sinful ways, but through you I can find the strength needed to unveil the beauty that lay dormant for so many years. 

In the knowledge that I am loved, that I am romanced and that I have beauty to unveil I want to be more like you. So that I too can offer, can invite and be present.

...THIS is how I will love.