Oceans Deep

"I will not bring to the Lord that which costs me nothing."- 1 Chronicles 21:24 

When the most important people, places and things start getting taken away from you, then it is a sign that you are indeed getting closer to Christ. The more we anchor ourselves and our hearts toward God, the more we will be asked to give up the things we value in this world. Why? Because He is not of this world.  Christ took up His cross, so what makes us think that we are exempt from taking up our own?

I've had to let go of some pretty important things in my life; someone that used to bring me emotional and mental security, and a job that secured my future financially. However it is only through this "cleansing" that God has become my one and only source of hope, truth and light. The less grip I have on worldly things, the wider my hands are spread out- the best position for Him to fill it with his love and mercy. The less I carry with me in my heart, the quicker I can get to where He is.

Ever since I've rediscovered God a year and a half ago, I've asked him to show me how to trust Him with every part of me and with every fibre of my being. Be careful of what you ask for because He will answer you in the firmest way possible. Firm but personal.

As of Thursday, June 27 at 4:31pm I will be unemployed. I've been asked to resign due to x, y, and z reasons. I thought I'd have some pretty violent emotional reactions, but to my surprise I feel peace. He is taking away something that means a lot to me. That could only mean that God is asking me to move forward- forward towards something greater. Warning:No baggage policy. The art of detachment being practiced in the most practical way.

The Lord never takes something without replacing it. 

So instead of jumping back into the boat, I will dive. I will dive deeper into the waters. If I will drown, it'll be from his love. If I'll choke it'll be from His relentless giving of compassion and forgiveness. If I lose my breath it'll be from the beautiful unveiling of His plans for me. I am in the here and now. I am exactly where I am meant to be. If I am securely anchored in Christ, I can rest in the knowledge that His Holy Spirit will guide me to the next leg of my spiritual journey.

Being unemployed puts me in a deeper state of spiritual hunger.  Right now He's telling me to focus on the Archdiocese of Toronto and see the opportunities that exist there; this is mission beyond the comforts of my CFC-Youth community. Why not cast the net there? I have nothing to lose.

God sows seeds. If we clear out the clutter in our hearts and minds He will show us exactly where we can reap a fruitful harvest. This is His vineyard. Not ours. Anything and everything we collect belongs to Him.



Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
To God be the greater glory.

Read up, write down.

Stay organized. 
Be responsible. 
Take control of your life. 

There is nothing wrong with writing down your thoughts and ideas down on paper. There is nothing wrong with using an actual agenda to write down your plans. If your life seems to be spiralling down the drain because too much is happening, then try writing down what you need to do. Sometimes the best way to unload our minds is to transfer all the things floating inside our noggin to a piece of paper. When we see our thoughts written down, it may be easier for us to make connections and to plan for action.

What good is it to be inspired and not remember that self-professed profound "aha!" moment days, months, years later? The best way for realizations to become a reality is to reflect. But what good are reflections if you can't have a physically tangible source to make comparisons with- between the old you and the you you are today?

Mother knows best

NOTHING can ever surpass the love a mother has for her Son.

..which is why we should always seek out Mama Mary in the things we pray for/about. What better guide to have than the woman who bore the Almighty? Human as she was, she was still able to carry out the life that God wanted for her. At only fourteen years old she already allowed the Lord to take over her life. She gave up her own life so that her desires would only reflect what His desires were. She never complained. A gentle woman with faith that literally moved heaven & earth. How profound her love for us is, that she will definitely see us through everything we do.

Think about your own mothers right now.

How many ways has she provided you with the things you not only needed but also wanted? How many sleepless nights this woman has spent in her WHOLE enitre life just so that she could cater to me! And by that I don't just mean my childhood days. In my older age I have thrown tantrums and shed an ocean worth of tears and she still knows how to soothe me, to calm me down. You know those days when you just feel really crappy and nothing absolutely nothing else in the world can "cure" you but a homemade dish or a nice big hug. Mothers are such a beautiful gift. We all came from one and we all lived inside their bellies. It warms my heart to know just how careful my mom was when she was pregnant with me. Their job doesn't end when we're out and about! It's a 24/7 thing even when we ourselves reach our 30's, 40's, 50's etc. No one knows us better than our own mothers, because we will always share an indescribable link with them. For the first 9 months of our lives, we were literally a PART of them.

Full of grace. Blessed are you amongst women, and blessed is the FRUIT of your womb, Jesus. 

So if our human mothers can provide us with nothing but the best, how much more for our Mother Mary who was the purest of the pure! Golden that lady was. Crowned in perfection.

She is the prime example that it IS indeed possible to proclaim the greatness of the Lord with nothing but kindness and humility. The Lord was the stronghold of her life.

So as we continue to live out our daily lives, let us allow her to journey with us through our discernment. Let us ask her to intercede for us.

She really does know best.

Beauty to Unveil

One of the things that I absolutely hate dislike is being "read". It annoys me. When people do it, I feel threatened, and that is a feeling I'm not accustomed to handling. I hate it when people start reading me because I feel like they are unlocking a door that was supposed to remain closed. Forever. They see behind the picture I have expertly crafted over the years, one that is true enough to who I am but not so much that all of me is exposed. Does that make sense?

There is so much about myself that I always felt needed to be hidden. So much about myself that I felt wasn't beautiful enough. I have spent the past thirteen years experimenting with what parts of me were "socially acceptable" enough to expose. Being bullied during my childhood (when I moved from the Philippines to Toronto) left me so emotionally scarred that I thought it was necessary to cover up who I really was. I promised myself that I would never be so vulnerable.

Being vulnerable was ugly. 

Being vulnerable was undesirable. 

I was vulnerable. 


THEREFORE...
Being "me" would not make me beautiful. 

It would not make me desirable to others.

I had to silence the essence of being "me". 

I studied the other girls. What they did seemed to work. They all seemed to fit that "beautiful" category. If I did it long enough, I would be successful...eventually. These are the scars that I carry in my heart. The ones that I learned to cover up with fancier clothes and with $140 worth of make up. These were the scars that I thought could be patched up with rocky relationships and temporary flings. Sure these men wouldn't last in my life, but hey at least for x amount of weeks I felt accepted.

So there it was, thirteen years of pain, thirteen years of hiding. So when someone saw through all of it, it really really bothered me. Who did this person think he/she was? Who gave them permission to break down my security system and see through me as if I hid behind glass rather than solid iron-clad walls?

Now more than ever the Lord has been telling me otherwise. 

"When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I and will I continue to be romanced?. When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. 

Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. When a (woman) is at rest with (the knowledge that she is romanced and that she is loved) we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to life. 

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts."

Well Lord, that's kind of scary. Doesn't that mean that I have to stop hiding? Doesn't this mean that I have to actually risk putting myself, my real self out there? Wait, first of all do I even have any sort of beauty to offer? And even if I do find this "beauty" within me, am I not putting myself at risk of getting hurt? Of getting rejected? You're asking me to be vulnerable and vulnerable is what I swore I'd never do—  These are the kinds of questions that filled up my mind day after day. 

His response? Well my friends, to say it's been overwhelming is an understatement. He has affirmed me in ways I could not even have imagined myself. He continues to reveal to me that I am indeed worthy to be loved, and that I am worthy of being romanced by Him. He has taken me to places that have left me speechless. He has given me experiences that are priceless and irreplaceable. Through this, he was showing me that I was worth it. Learning to unveil my beauty would be challenging, but it would also be one of the greatest ways for me to express my faith in Him.

It would require me to trust Him, trust that He has indeed placed in me some sort of beauty to offer to the world.

"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.  

Unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beuty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. 

So to this I say: Thank you Lord for allowing that person to see through me. For allowing that person to do more than just see the me I created for the world, but to also understand that behind that was an actual human being. Thank you for allowing me to slowly peel the layers I so comfortably knew to hide behind. I am not perfect because of my past or because of my sinful ways, but through you I can find the strength needed to unveil the beauty that lay dormant for so many years. 

In the knowledge that I am loved, that I am romanced and that I have beauty to unveil I want to be more like you. So that I too can offer, can invite and be present.

...THIS is how I will love.