Mother Mary, the #wingwoman

If my life had a tagline, it would be Exodus 14:14. Ironic because being still is probably the hardest thing for every cell in my body to do. My mind works like a spiderweb; one thought leads to at least 15 others. The second verse that I've learned to live my life with would be Psalm 37:4. It's helped me to understand the importance of uniting my heart with Christ's so that ultimately my desires are His.

As I read an old blogpost from almost a year ago, I can't help but be reminded by a quote from one of my Saint friends, St. Edith Stein:

"What lay outside my plans for myself lay within God's plan for me."

Right she was! Because recently God blessed me with someone who tangibly embodies those two life verses. God perfectly paved the way for us by giving us such bountiful, beautiful years of friendship. I was never pressured to be someone else around this person, and I always found my heart at rest around him. The Lord fought our personal battles for us so that when the time was right, we both didn't have to struggle with being ashamed of baring our humanity to each other.  Genuine friendship allowed us to be who we were called to be; there was comfort in the knowledge that we already accepted each other.

We are both so different from who we were when we first met, but I believe that to be the blessing- that we have the opportunity to be witnesses of how powerful God's transformative love is. Our relationship as brother and sister in Christ helped us to embrace each other's flaws and four years later I can only attest to how God's glory is so wonderfully and powerfully shown through him.  I was dramatic and complicated. He was lukewarm and allergic to emotion. Now I've learned to channel my emotions into passion for Christ's mission while his struggle for pride allowed him to become a confident and strong defender of the faith as a leader in the CFC-Youth GTA community.

As I began to seriously journey in my faith my greatest prayers were to find Jesus, have him permanently live in my heart, and making him my greatest desire. And that's what I worked so fervently on. For the past year I asked Mother Mary to guide me. She lead me to the burning furnace of Jesus' Sacred Heart and I consciously worked on imitating her virtues by way of consecration to her Immaculate Heart.

God blessed me with an ever-growing and inspiring Sector (CFC-Youth GTA West) and a household that constantly challenged me to be a better leader and woman of God. It wasn't an easy task and I wanted to give up many times in the past 20 months, but I knew that this position was God's way of funnelling his love for me in one "place". In my care were 300 souls and I was called to love every single one of them, especially the ones who were hardest to love, to accept, to care for. That's exactly what I pushed myself to do- to pray harder so that I could love bigger.

I stopped looking at my own wounds. I stopped focusing on my own pain. I stopped yearning for worldly shallow desires. I looked to Mama Mary who was fully human and lived a life of complete submission to Christ.

Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done to me according to thy word.

At the end of each day, I reminded myself that the only place I needed to be was at the foot of Jesus' cross. At the end of each day I needed to find myself standing on Mt. Calvary. Some days were easy, while others were just down right painful. But whether I ran to the top, dragged my feet along the way, or gleefully jogged towards my destination, at the end of each day I needed to be able to say to Jesus that I had carried my cross as best as I could, that I did it with genuine love for Him and my neighbours.

Loving 300 people made it easier for me to be vulnerable to the one person God was preparing me for at this time of my life.

Little did I know that as I focused on being the best version of myself, God was also working double time on someone who was already a big part of my life. He isn't perfect; he has his own struggles, he has his own skeletons in the closet, and his own baggage that he has to deal with. But what I can say is that at the end of each day, he also willingly looked on and journeyed with Mother Mary. He devoted himself to her, immersed himself in way of the Rosary and fell in love with the most beautiful woman to ever grace this planet. He surrounded himself with her so much that he too ended up where she was, which was at the foot of Her son's cross. 

It was there that we met. It is there that we stand. It is there that we both pray our blossoming Christ-centered relationship will take root, grow, and bear fruit. 

John 15:4-8

I never had to settle, lose myself in the process, or compromise my own values & beliefs. I'm so grateful that the Lord pruned me little by little over the years because I can willingly receive this blessing with the fullness of Christ's love and without fear.

"Do not be anxious bout anything, but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:6

We don't know where this relationship will lead us, but we do know that at this very moment our relationship is a gift from God. We will continue to protect each other's holiness and desire nothing less than heaven for one another.

Heart of Jesus, we adore Thee.
Heart of Mary, we implore thee.
Heart of Joseph, meek and just,
In these three Hearts we both place our trust.
Amen.

Feast Day of the Little Rose

The year has come and gone so quickly. I look back at my calendar and wonder how I survived the whirlwind of events that have transpired. I look forward to the rest of the year and still so much has to be done. 

Today is October 1st: the feast day of my patron saint and the beginning of the month of the Holy rosary intersect. I attened the 7pm mass with nothing but extreme longing and desire in my heart- some I understood and others I have been trying to understand for the past few weeks. Regardless, I brought them all today at the foot of the cross as I walked up to receive the Holy Eucharist. I received Him joyfully knowing that Mother Mary and St. Therese were watching over me.

I walked towards the adoration chapel and knelt down.
I started to take in the quietness around me:
the gentleness that was on Mary's face;
the playfulness in baby Jesus/Sto. Nino;
the rays that extended down from the Divine Mercy;
the grandeur and simplicity of the Holy Eucharist, of Christ before me.

Then: Embraced with Mercy. Kissed with grace. Covered by love, with love, for his love.

“For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition & of love, embracing both trial and joy.”

- St. Therese of Lisieux

Names started to flash in my head along with faces. I stopped worrying over my own needs. I looked towards the poverty of His Spirit in the world and in the community. I prayed for the hearts of others. I prayed for the salvation of souls. I prayed for the conversion of fellow sinners.  I haven't prayed with so much passion in a long time. 

My life needs to reflect His greatness. To accept and embrace the hope He brings. To be that vessel of hope to others, a vessel that runs on love- love for Him and love for others. It means allowing everything about me to sing of that love. Even the broken parts of me. Especially the broken parts of me. 

I shall approach the rest of this year with continuous prayer and sacrifice. Like St. Therese I will find strength in these, and have them be my invincible arms. To hope that they move the hearts of others towards no one else but Christ. And like Mother Mary I will strive to shine like a moon, reflecting the burning passion of love- the Son. 


And just as it struck midnight, my counterpart handed me a gift- my very own Marian Devotions book. One tiny prayer answered, a simple joy given. And it's only been day 1.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; 

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

- Psalm138:8

Oceans Deep

"I will not bring to the Lord that which costs me nothing."- 1 Chronicles 21:24 

When the most important people, places and things start getting taken away from you, then it is a sign that you are indeed getting closer to Christ. The more we anchor ourselves and our hearts toward God, the more we will be asked to give up the things we value in this world. Why? Because He is not of this world.  Christ took up His cross, so what makes us think that we are exempt from taking up our own?

I've had to let go of some pretty important things in my life; someone that used to bring me emotional and mental security, and a job that secured my future financially. However it is only through this "cleansing" that God has become my one and only source of hope, truth and light. The less grip I have on worldly things, the wider my hands are spread out- the best position for Him to fill it with his love and mercy. The less I carry with me in my heart, the quicker I can get to where He is.

Ever since I've rediscovered God a year and a half ago, I've asked him to show me how to trust Him with every part of me and with every fibre of my being. Be careful of what you ask for because He will answer you in the firmest way possible. Firm but personal.

As of Thursday, June 27 at 4:31pm I will be unemployed. I've been asked to resign due to x, y, and z reasons. I thought I'd have some pretty violent emotional reactions, but to my surprise I feel peace. He is taking away something that means a lot to me. That could only mean that God is asking me to move forward- forward towards something greater. Warning:No baggage policy. The art of detachment being practiced in the most practical way.

The Lord never takes something without replacing it. 

So instead of jumping back into the boat, I will dive. I will dive deeper into the waters. If I will drown, it'll be from his love. If I'll choke it'll be from His relentless giving of compassion and forgiveness. If I lose my breath it'll be from the beautiful unveiling of His plans for me. I am in the here and now. I am exactly where I am meant to be. If I am securely anchored in Christ, I can rest in the knowledge that His Holy Spirit will guide me to the next leg of my spiritual journey.

Being unemployed puts me in a deeper state of spiritual hunger.  Right now He's telling me to focus on the Archdiocese of Toronto and see the opportunities that exist there; this is mission beyond the comforts of my CFC-Youth community. Why not cast the net there? I have nothing to lose.

God sows seeds. If we clear out the clutter in our hearts and minds He will show us exactly where we can reap a fruitful harvest. This is His vineyard. Not ours. Anything and everything we collect belongs to Him.



Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
To God be the greater glory.

Mother knows best

NOTHING can ever surpass the love a mother has for her Son.

..which is why we should always seek out Mama Mary in the things we pray for/about. What better guide to have than the woman who bore the Almighty? Human as she was, she was still able to carry out the life that God wanted for her. At only fourteen years old she already allowed the Lord to take over her life. She gave up her own life so that her desires would only reflect what His desires were. She never complained. A gentle woman with faith that literally moved heaven & earth. How profound her love for us is, that she will definitely see us through everything we do.

Think about your own mothers right now.

How many ways has she provided you with the things you not only needed but also wanted? How many sleepless nights this woman has spent in her WHOLE enitre life just so that she could cater to me! And by that I don't just mean my childhood days. In my older age I have thrown tantrums and shed an ocean worth of tears and she still knows how to soothe me, to calm me down. You know those days when you just feel really crappy and nothing absolutely nothing else in the world can "cure" you but a homemade dish or a nice big hug. Mothers are such a beautiful gift. We all came from one and we all lived inside their bellies. It warms my heart to know just how careful my mom was when she was pregnant with me. Their job doesn't end when we're out and about! It's a 24/7 thing even when we ourselves reach our 30's, 40's, 50's etc. No one knows us better than our own mothers, because we will always share an indescribable link with them. For the first 9 months of our lives, we were literally a PART of them.

Full of grace. Blessed are you amongst women, and blessed is the FRUIT of your womb, Jesus. 

So if our human mothers can provide us with nothing but the best, how much more for our Mother Mary who was the purest of the pure! Golden that lady was. Crowned in perfection.

She is the prime example that it IS indeed possible to proclaim the greatness of the Lord with nothing but kindness and humility. The Lord was the stronghold of her life.

So as we continue to live out our daily lives, let us allow her to journey with us through our discernment. Let us ask her to intercede for us.

She really does know best.

FAMILY

What is the fastest way to isolate and break down a person? Break up their family.

WHY? 

Because it is the one place on this earth where TRUE love should exist.

You know what bothers me a lot? Knowing that I live in a country where the divorce rate is ONE out of TWO marriages (Department of Justice, Child Support Initiative, Evaluation Report, 1997). That means that when you get married in Canada, you only have a 50% chance of staying with your partner. WHAT. THE. HECK.


Which means I'm going to fight against it by getting married in another country! Hahaha.


But all jokes aside, here are more disturbing facts about the divorce rates in Canada:

• almost 75% of Canadian divorces are being initiated by women
• one yr after separation or divorce, 50% of children of divorced or separated families never see their fathers again
• risk of divorce increases greatly after each successive marriage (75% for 2nd, and about 85% for 3rd marriages)
• 75% of divorced men remarry while 65% of divorced women remarry

What is happening to this world? The importance of exchanging vows and making promises til death do they part have obviously deteriorated. Is that why a lot of people walk around so empty? Breaking the sanctity of marriage can really suck the life out of a family that was once so rooted in faith, love and hope. No wonder people have ridiculous commitment issues here in North America. No wonder less couples want to bother getting married.

For the youth of today:

Beauty to Unveil

One of the things that I absolutely hate dislike is being "read". It annoys me. When people do it, I feel threatened, and that is a feeling I'm not accustomed to handling. I hate it when people start reading me because I feel like they are unlocking a door that was supposed to remain closed. Forever. They see behind the picture I have expertly crafted over the years, one that is true enough to who I am but not so much that all of me is exposed. Does that make sense?

There is so much about myself that I always felt needed to be hidden. So much about myself that I felt wasn't beautiful enough. I have spent the past thirteen years experimenting with what parts of me were "socially acceptable" enough to expose. Being bullied during my childhood (when I moved from the Philippines to Toronto) left me so emotionally scarred that I thought it was necessary to cover up who I really was. I promised myself that I would never be so vulnerable.

Being vulnerable was ugly. 

Being vulnerable was undesirable. 

I was vulnerable. 


THEREFORE...
Being "me" would not make me beautiful. 

It would not make me desirable to others.

I had to silence the essence of being "me". 

I studied the other girls. What they did seemed to work. They all seemed to fit that "beautiful" category. If I did it long enough, I would be successful...eventually. These are the scars that I carry in my heart. The ones that I learned to cover up with fancier clothes and with $140 worth of make up. These were the scars that I thought could be patched up with rocky relationships and temporary flings. Sure these men wouldn't last in my life, but hey at least for x amount of weeks I felt accepted.

So there it was, thirteen years of pain, thirteen years of hiding. So when someone saw through all of it, it really really bothered me. Who did this person think he/she was? Who gave them permission to break down my security system and see through me as if I hid behind glass rather than solid iron-clad walls?

Now more than ever the Lord has been telling me otherwise. 

"When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I and will I continue to be romanced?. When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. 

Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. When a (woman) is at rest with (the knowledge that she is romanced and that she is loved) we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to life. 

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts."

Well Lord, that's kind of scary. Doesn't that mean that I have to stop hiding? Doesn't this mean that I have to actually risk putting myself, my real self out there? Wait, first of all do I even have any sort of beauty to offer? And even if I do find this "beauty" within me, am I not putting myself at risk of getting hurt? Of getting rejected? You're asking me to be vulnerable and vulnerable is what I swore I'd never do—  These are the kinds of questions that filled up my mind day after day. 

His response? Well my friends, to say it's been overwhelming is an understatement. He has affirmed me in ways I could not even have imagined myself. He continues to reveal to me that I am indeed worthy to be loved, and that I am worthy of being romanced by Him. He has taken me to places that have left me speechless. He has given me experiences that are priceless and irreplaceable. Through this, he was showing me that I was worth it. Learning to unveil my beauty would be challenging, but it would also be one of the greatest ways for me to express my faith in Him.

It would require me to trust Him, trust that He has indeed placed in me some sort of beauty to offer to the world.

"Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.  

Unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beuty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love."

Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. 

So to this I say: Thank you Lord for allowing that person to see through me. For allowing that person to do more than just see the me I created for the world, but to also understand that behind that was an actual human being. Thank you for allowing me to slowly peel the layers I so comfortably knew to hide behind. I am not perfect because of my past or because of my sinful ways, but through you I can find the strength needed to unveil the beauty that lay dormant for so many years. 

In the knowledge that I am loved, that I am romanced and that I have beauty to unveil I want to be more like you. So that I too can offer, can invite and be present.

...THIS is how I will love.

"Longer"

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean

Higher than any bird ever flew

Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heaven

I’ve been in love with you.

Stronger than any mountain cathedral

Truer than any tree ever grew

Deeper than any forest primeval

I am in love with you.

  -Dan Fogelberg

-------------------------

The way in which our God loves us. May this serve as a reminder for you. I pray that someday, if not already, you will see just how greatly He wants you to come back to Him. The Lord's love for you is everywhere. You just have to see beyond what the world is projecting. Look beyond materials, look beyond man-made creations. He exists in all the things He created (especially within every person you encounter regardless of how unpleasant they may seem).

It takes a lot more effort to see God in everything and everyone, but I promise you once you learn how to do it, you will begin to see just how great his love is for you. I'm still learning (far far from being perfect) YET I'm already so overwhelmed by the goodness of it! 

The Lord's love for me manifests itself in the sky. Regardless of where I am in the world, the one thing that stays consistent within my sight is that very thing. Day or night, the sky always extends far beyond what my eyes can see. I will never forget that night I spent at Bantayan when I was just sitting under the stars. Moments of profound grace. It was such an intimate moment for me, as if the Lord was saying:

This is how much I have loved you. You are more precious and worth so much more than the beauty of the stars at night. Try to count how many there are, and triple that number. That is how many times I will try to capture your attention when you stray away from me. See how brightly they shine? That is how I see you. What a lovely sight to behold. Remember that as a daughter of Eve you can still claim your place as the crown of creation. This moment I have designed specifically for you. This moment is yours alone, but I'm allowing you to share it as well with the one around you. Treasure this memory. Let it remind you to never give up on me. As long as the sky exists above you, so too will my love surround you.  

Find out for certain, love's gonna be there for you...

"No goodbyes...I promised you that a decade ago.

And that promise will never be broken."

Lord, thank you for allowing me to feel your Love through the people I care for the most. I am not perfect, but you always find ways to remind me that I am beautiful just the way I am. You knew me before I was born. You know the desires of my heart, and you multiply the ways in which I receive them. It is never in the way I expect...it's even bigger and better! Who am I to deserve this? This trip has opened up my eyes to the woman I am, the woman I am capable of becoming, and the woman You want me to be.

What more could I possibly ask for?
#BEYONDBLESSED