I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.

If you were placed in a situation where someone asked you to jump off a ledge with no safety harness or protective gear, would you?

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am the meticulous, analytical, overly cautious type of person. I do not take risks unless all relevant factors and/or consequences have been examined- twice. I thrive in security. I thrive in knowing that I have control in a situation. This is so apparent in even the smallest of things: I colour coordinate my laundry, I use at least four different coloured pens when writing notes, I never bend the pages of my book, I bring a suitcase for a weekender. These are my "simple joys", the things I can do to bring more "order" in my life.

With all the things that the Lord has provided me during the past few months I feel so underserving. Who am I that He makes me feel important? Who am I that He choose me out all the other active YFC members in the community to go on mission? Why did he choose to stir my heart when I had given up so many years earlier?

Now I know why- because my conviction is much stronger. It is within the extreme experiences where my declaration finds its anchor in the Lord. I am one of the extremely favoured. He has chosen me knowing full well both my strengths and my weaknesses.

Cebu holds a special place in my heart. It is here in Kusugbo* that the Lord has decided to groom me for my purpose, a purpose that he has been consistently asking me to claim. It is within this place that He has revealed himself to me. This is where he has revealed to me the greatest desire in my heart. In the last two months I have denied myself of that purpose. I allowed myself to drown out the vision in my mission because I wanted to avoid it. Is this really what the Lord has been calling me for?

My biggest fear was that my YES would mean giving up many things that I highly valued and that were close to my heart. It is through my prayers that the Lord has told me: My child, your heart will continue to be restless until it rests in Me your God. Let go of the fears and anxiety you have in your heart because it is only I who can give you the peace of mind you have been desiring all your life. Do you think that I will abandon you if you chose to devote your life to me? No! Of course not. See how abundant the blessings in your life are with every step closer you take towards me? You are my beloved. I will not forsake you. Your life will be simple but you will discover and become exactly who you are meant to be. This is my purpose for you. Nothing else will satisfy this thirst.

It is only in my nothingness where the Lord can become my everything.

I alone know the plans that I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future that you hope for. Then you will call to me. You will come and pray to me and I will answer you. You will seek me and you will find me because you will seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13,
The Verse of my Life.

*Kusugbo= Kusug (strong) 
                 Sugbo (Cebu)

Let me serve you, let me fight for your love.

The picture below depicts where I'm at with my service.

Our God is a God of providence. That's what I keep telling myself. This is what He has been challenging me with the past week...to really trust in His ability to provide for me.

I attended a household meeting with YFC Cebu leaders last night and the topic of PYC came up. Basically, they will be holding their conference on the weekend of May 26-May 27. That happens to be my birthday weekend. There are other things that will be going on that specific week. I started to panic when they asked me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that God was very literally asking me to choose between two of the greatest desires in my heart. As obvious as the answer to me was, I still found myself hesitating.

Despite the unworthiness I feel, I find the Lord calling me out....still. He is asking me to give Him my time, my effort and my trust. He has stirred my heart and reminded me that I do have a purpose here in the Philippines. I spent the first half of my trip in a state of chaos and confusion. I questioned why I even allowed myself to spend so much time on "vacation". I mean, I pretty much came out here on a whim. Nothing but a vision a year ago that I needed to travel here. He wanted me to discover something great. I doubted him many times within the past three months, but, I feel that the time is NOW. I have to answer His call. How can I deny Him when He has done nothing but shower me with blessings?

I mean, when it rains...brothers & sisters it POURS.

The only thing standing between me and a full YES is approximately Pxxxx- the cost of a ticket from Manila to Cebu.

I know somehow the Lord will provide financially. I'm already halfway through the battle, because someone has already offered to help me with HALF of  the cost...all within 24hrs of being asked to serve!

Lord, may I never lose sight of my mission here. Continue to humble me throughout my trip and allow me to meet the right people- people who will bring me closer to you and strengthen my faith. Surround me with people whose purpose is like mine. May we come together and grow in faith. Continue to draw me closer to where you are...I want to be with you.

All glory and praise to His name.

Discernment

What the world says is successful vs. What I think is a good enough cause to fight for.

I thought being in the Philippines would make it so much easier for me to decide. Wrong. Being here has only opened up my eyes to the vastness that lies in between the two lifestyles. This is NOT a highschool multiple choice question. I can't just take a pencil, and fill in what I know is the "better answer", the textbook answer. This is the real stuff. What I choose to go with, I actually have to LIVE out, consequences and all.

In a world where North American lifestyle is glamourized and social activism is on the brink of becoming the latest "fad", deciding has only become that much more challenging. 

You either work for the Lord. Or you work for Money. Inevitably what you do defines who or what exactly you are serving.

Lord continue to stir my heart. I called, and this was Your answer.  Allow me to find my purpose here. 

What goes through my mind every night before bed...

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity